Ask Lisi: My wife and I don’t share the same love language | Life


There’s a girl in my class who asks the stupidest questions. The teacher will literally just finish explaining what is on the test and when the test will be given, and the girl raises her hand. We all moan because we know what’s coming. And then she asks the teacher exactly what was just explained. It’s so infuriating.

I’m not friends with this girl but we sometimes walk to school together because she lives on my street. She has a few friends, not many, and she’s nice. I don’t think she’s stupid either.

How can I help her to not make everyone mad by asking the same questions, all the time, when we all know the answer?

On repeat

You’re kind to want to help this girl. Many kids your age would just laugh at her. Since you have some alone time with her in the mornings, ask her gently why she does this. She may genuinely not realize what she does. Or she may have hearing issues, processing issues, dyslexia (which for some people can affect the way you hear numbers), or something else.

If you are so inclined, you could write down what the teacher says regarding the next assignment or test on a note and slip it to this girl in class. Or you could make sure after class that she got the info. It’s not your responsibility, but it would be helpful and appreciated.

Yes, it’s annoying and takes away from class time, but be kind (which you are being). Everyone has their issues, but if everyone was patient and understanding, it wouldn’t be a problem.

FEEDBACK Regarding the two elderly sisters who died within days of each other (Feb. 7):

Reader: “I thought of an idea for the sisters’ funeral. Maybe have viewings at the same time, same place, but separate rooms. Funeral homes typically have several rooms available and viewings at the same time.

“As for the service, I’m not sure how to handle it. If the sisters are cremated and they plan to have a burial site, maybe a columbarium or cremation niche might be of interest. They could be put to rest beside each other as they lived the last few years.”

My wife and I don’t speak the same love language. She needs to see that I am doing things, like taking out the garbage on garbage day without her having to remind me. She also loves it when I do things without being asked, such as offering to pick up the groceries on my way home from work.

But my love language is more physical. I like to wake up and hug, kiss goodbye before I leave for the day, be greeted at home with a kiss and sit on the couch holding hands or just touching. And I like intimacy. My wife is not that warm and sexual.

I’m happy to try harder to please her, but I don’t think it’s fair that she withholds on pleasing me until she feels satisfied I’m doing things the way she likes. It’s so unfair and doesn’t motivate me to try harder.

Are we at an impasse?

Language barrier

Yes, from your description, you sound as though you two are at an impasse. You need to communicate and talk about what’s going on. Her “until you …, I won’t …” sounds punitive and probably feels that way. That’s counterproductive.

Hopefully there is a way you two can find to meet in the middle. That doesn’t mean you stop doing the things that please her (garbage, errands), but you find a middle ground. According to a recent survey, Canadians in general find spending quality time together the best love language. Try it and see if it helps.

FEEDBACK Regarding grandparents babysitting (Dec. 14; Feb. 13):

Reader: “Your suggestion about grandparents being asked to look after grandchildren was 100 per cent right on. We are great-grandparents of a six-year-old girl. I’m 81, my wife is 79 and we love it when we’re asked to look after her. In fact, although she is not in the greatest of health, my wife will often ask if our great-granddaughter can come over for a day or two. It actually helps my wife feel better.

“She and my wife get along amazingly doing things together and I enjoy walking her to the park in nice weather and watching her play. We even have a bedroom made up especially for her visits. When bedtime arrives, my wife and her sleep together and chat away about different things until she falls asleep. You were right on that time with your response, Lisi.”

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